What is Burned and Born?

How I started my sober journey without hitting rock-bottom or identifying as an "alcoholic" before deciding alcohol wasn't serving me.

I am 2 years sober and still find it incredibly difficult to tell people (strangers, family, co-workers, quite literally any single person on the face of the planet) that I don’t drink. My go-to response is usually some very uncertain, dismissive sounding statement like, “oh I don’t really drink that much” (despite the fact that the thought of pouring one single drop of alcohol into my mouth gives me the sweats.) I spent the first two years of my sobriety really struggling with this (self-inflicted?) conflict for a to of reasons. Why was it difficult for me to tell people I don’t drink alcohol? What was my hesitancy? What was I afraid of? What did I think I was protecting?

I stopped drinking alcohol a little over 2 years ago. I never identified as an alcoholic, and no one in my life would have seen me that way either. I was a social drinker for the majority of my drinking career, and I never felt like a stand-out for any drunken behavior.

Little by little, so slowly no one else even noticed, alcohol began to take up more space in my life. This is the trick about alcohol – the lies that it sells. It weasels its way into your life and makes you feel comfortable and in control when, in reality, that couldn’t be further from the truth. Even the most vigilant drinkers are vulnerable to falling victim to the false security that alcohol “promises.”

I didn’t like the person I was when I was drinking. I always woke up the next day debilitatingly nauseous and embarrassed. Any attempt to moderate would appear as if I actually set out to drink more than ever that evening. I was always so positive I would be able to enjoy just one glass of wine after work; it always turned into 4 or more.

But here was the thing with me and my drinking – I was the only person that noticed this shift. I was the only one uncomfortable with my relationship with alcohol. When I decided that alcohol could no longer serve me and the life I wanted for myself, I was met with mass confusion.

In 2022, when I was 26, I quit drinking alcohol to the chorus of -

“Why not just have one?”

“But you’re not an alcoholic!”

“For how long?”

“Why do you need to quit?”

“Are you still not drinking?”

The first year of my sobriety was frustrating and confusing. I was prepared for feelings of isolation (that’s what all the books told me!), but I wasn’t expecting it to feel so shameful. It seemed to me that everyone else saw my new alcohol-free life as foolish, dramatic and unnecessary. I felt dismissed.

I haven’t had a drop of alcohol in over two years, and I still feel like I am playing pretend at sobriety because my alcohol use before I quit was “normal.” My drinking didn’t look like what’s in the movies or popular Quit-Lit books. Over 2 years later, I am still getting comfortable with telling people that I don’t drink alcohol. I expect to be invalidated because of my lack of aggressive alcohol use or lack of DUI or my age (I mean, who gets sober at 26 if they aren’t a full-blown alcoholic??).

I struggled to find my footing in the sobriety community the first couple years because I was never going to attend an AA meeting or a support group. I barely felt like I “deserved” to say I was sober because of my lack of alcoholic tendencies. I didn’t fit in with the drinkers anymore, and I didn’t feel like I fit in with the sober crowd at large.

After years of bottling and brooding and reflection and writing, I’ve decided that I’m done being silent because my sobriety doesn’t look like the sobriety in the movies. I know that my sobriety is valid, regardless of the path it took me to get here. Sobriety is one of the best gifts I have ever given myself. Even without considering myself an alcoholic during my drinking days, completely removing alcohol from my life was HARD. It’s everywhere and, as much as you may try to be casual about it (if that’s your approach), people are going to notice and question why you aren’t drinking. Peer pressure is disguised as friendliness; other people’s insecurity disguises itself as a “just have one” attitude or even a “I could quit if I wanted to” response.

Not drinking alcohol is already hard enough. There is no reason why anyone – regardless of where they started or what their journey to an alcohol-free life looks like – should feel like they are forced to get and stay sober alone.

I’m starting this newsletter as a way to share my story and reach anyone who is working towards sobriety while navigating the same feelings of shame and isolation I experienced. Nobody should feel they are being dismissed because of their decision to remove a poisonous substance from their life, regardless of what their reasons or history with the drug are.

I am hopeful this newsletter will reach you as you are needing it most – when you are confused or feeling alone, when you are seeking community or validation that yes, you are doing the best thing for yourself and YES, you deserve all the happiness that sobriety can bring.