Validating My Sobriety: Remembering Who Determines Your Worth

Learning that my sobriety is valid, even without a "rock bottom" story, and that my worth is not found in the approval of others.

My decision to stop drinking seemed quiet; it came after such an unassuming journey. I was a “normal” drinker by anyone’s standards. But slowly - one debilitating hangover at a time - I began to see that the life I wanted for myself would always be kept out of reach if I allowed drinking and hangovers to take up any more of my time.

Before I quit, I wasn’t drinking every day or sneaking alcohol in my bag. But when I did drink, I couldn’t stop. What I began to see as “control issues,” everyone else saw as just drinking. Which is to say - they didn’t really even see it at all.

I stopped drinking in November of 2022. My friends and family were so confused.

They couldn’t comprehend why I felt the urge to quit. They couldn’t comprehend why I felt the urge to quit.

At first, every time I told someone I didn’t drink anymore, I would get the response, “Why?” And it wasn’t the question that bothered me (I cared about why I quit drinking); it was the tone of the question. It was accusatory.

Why did you quit drinking? Why would you do that?

And every time, I felt myself get smaller.

It was like I had done something wrong in deciding to quit. Was I pretending to be something I wasn’t? Could I be sober if I wasn’t an alcoholic?

I felt so dismissed that I considered drinking again just to prove a point. More than once I thought,

If I can just get one DUI, I won’t seem so stupid for wanting to be sober.

I was so proud of this huge decision I had made for myself. I was ready to be sober. I just wanted to be a better person; a happier, freer, more pure version of myself.

Why did I feel like I was being scolded for not wanting to drink poison?

Determining My Own Value

I carried the misconception that only alcoholics could be sober. I thought I had to prove I deserved to be sober. It seems like an exaggeration, or maybe just foolish, but I wished my drinking had been more aggressive. I thought maybe then sobriety would be validated by others.

That is so backwards for so many reasons.

In my recovery, I realized that I was conditioned to look to others to determine my value. I was constantly trying to be the person I thought others wanted me to be.

I thought my worth lived in the validation of others. I would say to myself, “Good job Syd. They like you. You matter.”

I got sober so I could be the person I genuinely am. I don’t like the person I am when I drink. I wanted to be able to happily live with myself.

But, without even realizing it, I was still looking to others for confirmation that I was on the right path, that I was making the right decision. I was practically screaming, “Aren’t you proud that I’m sober? Have I done good? Do you like this version of me?”

I was still looking for ways to be the person that would earn me love and praise and validation from others. I was a normal drinker that got sober, and that confused people. I thought if I had been an alcoholic that got sober, then people would say, “Good for you. Approved.”

I have stopped responding with, “No thanks, I don’t drink.” Close friends and family know that I don’t drink anymore. If someone that isn’t as familiar with my story asks, I will usually say something like, “I don’t really drink that much.” The shift to “I don’t really drink that much” most likely started from a place of making myself smaller, lest I disappoint someone else and not receive their approval. It has since become a personal preference that fits with my unique sobriety journey; I talk about it a bit in this post if you want to take a look.

My Sobriety is Valid

Whether I am comfortable enough to tell someone I’m sober or if I fall back on my comfort response of I don’t really drink that much, I have learned that it doesn’t matter.

My value does not live in someone else’s response to my sobriety.

I am sober because I like the person I am.

My sobriety matters because I matter.